Friday 31 May 2013

Inexperienced

Hello there interwebbers! I apologise for my online absence but I have been on the hunt. I am currently job hunting like the proverbial mad-yoke while broadening my horizons through study and literature (on top of my busy jobbity job for the lovely dublinconcerts.ie). I have a great deal of exciting topics to broach here with ye faithful readers however at this current moment I am completely and most utterly spent (or as we Irish call it-buggered). Searching for jobs is a) exhausting b) time consuming and c) utterly bleeding depressing. It is no use being academic/literary/sporty/quick on the uptake if you don’t have the Holy Grail- experience. One becomes stuck in this vicious cycle of being unable to get a job because you don’t have experience and unable to get experience because no one will give you a job. Apparently my months in slavery (working for Supermacs) are not enough to secure me even a waitressing position! I am a ballerina! I can balance plates without too much trouble I’m sure! If I can remember the contemporary history of Eastern Europe I’m fairly sure I can remember not to put onions on table 5’s burger. Alas I am apparently unemployable. Walking from business to business in Dublin today I felt like I had a big stamp on my forehead saying INEXPERIENCED. I would consider myself more than qualified for most of the things I have applied for and for the ones where training is required I am quick as the proverbial whip at picking things up. It is so terrible to spend time compiling a list of everything you’ve done and everything you’re good at only to be basically realise your skills are inadequate or useless in the so called working world. Ye of little self-esteem (cough me cough) shall suffer greatly from this level of rejection-the job market is treating me the way boys treated 13 year old me-with complete and utter disinterest! If you like I are struggling away in the aul job market and considering selling yourself as a human rug to gain some meagre funds DO NOT DESPAIR. I am telling you right now that employers are fools-you are a delightful being filled with potential! You have skills. You are capable, talented and downright dynamite! Keep your heads up job seekers because while it may be cripplingly depressing and while you may feel inadequate you will one day be laughing at these silly managers and owners who based your abilities on a silly slip of paper and a lack of experience. 

Wednesday 22 May 2013

Goody Two-Shoes

No time to write much today but talking to an old friend reminded me of a nickname I once had: Goody Two-Shoes. My best friend growing up was half Brazilian and only spent half of the year here in Ireland and called me the name affectionately-not realising that it was considered a tease here in Ireland. I remember telling her I was offended and asking her not to call me it but looking back I can't quite pinpoint why I was offended. To be perfectly honest I was, and still pretty much am twelve years later, a Goody Two-Shoes.

I guess those of us who are seen as 'bad' just want people to see how 'good' we can be, while those of us always seen as 'goody-goodies' just want people to think we're bad and a bit wild from time to time. Honestly, whatever people assume about me I inherently want to convince them of the opposite. People who know me well will know that I'm actually a bit boring, I don't drink or smoke, I've never been arrested, I barely even go out and when I'm at home I'm usually watching T.V. or doing chores like a good daughter. I'm pretty similar to how I was when I was 7 year old 'Goody Two-Shoes'. All that's really changed is my outward appearance and a handful of strange hobbies I've acquired.
Since I was 14 I have no longer looked like the 'Goody Two-Shoes' I am. I remember my very first boyfriend's father being wary of me because I had dyed hair and boobs. I've looked older for my age pretty much since I hit puberty and having had a string of boyfriends, dyejobs and the occassional punky haircut people began to make assumptions about me.
Now most of my schoolmates still knew I was a nerdy, debate loving, teacher's wet dream but out of uniform people thought all sorts of things. For a while I actually liked it, I'd never been that badass chick and it made me feel cool. After a while though, it started to make me self-conscious and even offended; people implied all sorts of behaviour, from sexual behaviour, to boyfriend stealing, to lesbian trysts, to run ins with the GardaĆ­ and I started to get sick of it. I just wanted people to see me as Goody Two-Shoes again.
Now that I'm out of the jungle of secondary school I feel like I'm finally capable of being both my personalities. When you leave school, life's deck of cards is reshuffled and you get to introduce yourself as whoever you want to be to all the new people in your life. People still question my duller habits, especially the not drinking. While others question my more, I like to think badass, attributes-like my multi-hued hair or my tiny tattoo. At the end of the day I finally feel secure enough in myself that no matter what assumptions people may make, I know that being Goody Two-Shoes is nothing to be ashamed of, even if the only people who seem to find it completely pride-worthy are my parents.

Monday 20 May 2013

The storm within

Anxiety weighs upon the soul like a stone in your pocket.
A weight in your chest that makes you feel as though you can't move, or breathe, or even think. 

You want to smother yourself in the comfort of blankets, ingest the warmth of tea to melt the cold stone of anxiety.
Yet, 

No amount of comforting your body or mind seems to ease the ache, the constant niggling heaviness of the anxiety.
You can only breath and wait it out. 

Like a storm outside-no amount of battling the wind with your inside-out umbrella can make the sun return. 

Saturday 18 May 2013

Anti-social Socialite

I am always chatting to someone. I know a lot of people around my college and when I walk around town or any of the places near me I can never do so without running into someone, getting chatting to someone. I get invited to things the odd time, if people are on their way to something they'll often ask me along; in the case of some particular friends this can be by way of forcibly bringing me with them!
Despite the fact that I superficially appear to be quite 'popular', I can be quite an antisocial individual, most of the time I'd rather stay at home and relax than go out and hang with other people. If there's short notice I usually pump myself up to go and end up having a great time but if its on a day where I'm just kina waiting around til I go to some event I often can't bother myself to be excited about going-it's a real pain.
I was telling one of my closest that I only really have a handful of people that I genuinely want to spend time with, plenty I enjoy spending time with but only a handful that I actually really think about hanging out with and consciously would make the effort to see. I have some close friends who I love deeply and would be there for in a heartbeat if they needed me, yet some days I am just not in the mood to hang out with them. Sometimes in life we even make those fabulously rare friends who you can tell that you're simply not arsed to go out and they will just laugh and not hold it against you.
This year has seen me become somewhat of a hermit. Between the transition to Trinity, a broken leg and ending up behind on work I haven't really gotten back into my social stride and still feel a little awkward about socialising in the arena of my peers, especially those who don't know me all that well yet. I feel like I'm out of the loop on what's normal to get up to, where's cool to go out, what people listen to; I feel like someone's mum trying to be 'down with the kids' because of my current level of social awkwardness!
At this stage, I'm hoping someone will force me into some fun so that I realise that I'm perfectly capable of interacting with people and that I'll enjoy it if I just get off my lazy ass, slap on some mascara and smile!

Thursday 16 May 2013

Age before partying

So I've reached a stage in my life where I worry that I'm acting like an old fogey. I know I'm not the most typical of students, I don't drink, smoke, I don't experiment with even the softest of drugs and I'm not someone who sleeps around. I sometimes worry that people think I'm what we Irish call 'a dry shite'. I know that I'm not as bad as our parents-I don't oppose any of the things I don't practise (bar drugs lets not be silly now!) but I definitely have days where I worry about some of the behaviour of my friends.
I rarely voice these concerns except in an occasional jokey fashion because I don't want people to see me as the mummy of the group. It does seem unfair to me that people constantly criticise or laugh at my choices while I am forced to keep silent about my feelings because people will think I'm either boring, damaged or highly religious. Is it totally unreasonable to think that drinking at two in the afternoon isn't really a good thing? Or that being stoned five days in a row isn't hilarious? Or that getting an STD isn't just 'par for the course in student life'? I hate that I'm uncool for being able to remember all my nights out, or for never having thrown up on someone, or for refusing to poison my lungs, or for not wanting to have sex with someone who won't remember me. I'm not afraid of people thinking differently of me because of the way I live, I just don't see why my way has to be considered 'weird'. I'm more than happy to have you blow smoke in my face or bring you snacks and febreeze your clothes when you're stoned and even hold your hair back or listen to the same slurred story over and over again, I'd just appreciate is next time everyone was laughing about a one night stand or some drunken shenanigan that they wouldn't also tell me 'I don't get it' or laugh at me for never having done it. You're young, have fun and take me with you-just don't judge me when I accept much more annoying fallout from your lifestyle.

Mind over matter doesn't matter

Popular psychology tells us we have ultimate control over our minds and ourselves, and that no one can make us feel a certain way without our permission. We think we can control our mind and our world by focusing on positive thoughts or productive thoughts or even negative thoughts. Frankly, we are completely wrong. Hear me out before you judge me for denying psychology as a whole. Yes, to a degree, we control ourselves and our actions; I'm not saying we are powerless slaves to some other force. But, our thoughts are not entirely under our control. Sometimes, no matter what we're doing, one thought dominates our minds. Other times we can't keep one thing focused in our minds no matter how much we need to-our minds flit from thought to thought with little consideration for things we need to get done. Sometimes we get a song stuck in our head and we could be in space, or at a funeral, or kissing someone and our brains can be singing 'I'm gonna pop some taaaaags, only got twenny dollas in ma pockeeeeeeet'. We think we can control our minds but we can't. When we're trying to relax, all we can think about is the things we need to do; when we're trying to get over someone, all we can think about is their smile. I have realised recently that I cannot control my thoughts. I already knew this was difficult with someone like me who has an anxiety disorder-I am well aware of my mind having its own agenda which, more often than not, is totally contrary to what I want or need. I guess I'm just glad to learn that, when I really think about it, none of us has as much control as we think we do, a fact that is oddly comforting when one has those moments when one feels completely nuts.

Poetry 2

So I recently found some poetry I wrote when I was about 15 and I thought I'd share it here. The sentiment is good but I've tweaked the writing a little because I had a bit too much a need to rhyme regardless of whether the words fit.

This was called The Barbie Doll Race

I started to choke
On your second hand smoke
As you turned to me
I looked at you
You asked if I would like one too.

Just one puff and I'll be in your heart
If I say no, we stay apart
I guess right now I have to choose
Myself or you, both ways I lose. 

Should I follow the crowd
or stand my ground
The smoke, these thoughts,
make my head pound. 

I could make myself the girl of your dreams
How I am won't do it seems.
If I'm not like you its clear we're through;
I can't be me and still have you. 

(I think it looks better ending there though it does continue on:
I shake my head and walk away
because to me it's clear as day

What i thought were dreams of love
Were clouded by smoke
It was the truth
Not the nicotine
On which I choked.)

Tuesday 7 May 2013

Self-awareness

Self-awareness is terribly important. Terrible at times, but also important for everyday life. I think everyone out there has that one friend who has no awareness of what their talents are
I am not talking about those over humble friends that don't realise that they are gifted or lovely or beautiful. I am talking about those friends who think they are many things but are, in fact, terribly ordinary. Those friends who constantly show off 'talents' in which their performance is actually very mediocre.
I have a number of friends who think they are really deep and gifted writers. But you cannot tell them their poetry is awful or that promoting their 'short stories' all over facebook is embarrassing. The very worst is those people who, while they may not be bad at something, the very fact that they think they are talented at something makes their mediocrity all the more painful. This most commonly manifests in singers (usually girls). Now I myself cannot sing, and I do people the courtesy of not pretending to have any skill in that area. I do however have a number of friends who call themselves 'singers' when they really do not have a good voice. They can carry a tune yes, but their confidence causes them to try to sing well beyond their range and limits. A truly good singer adapts songs to their abilities while the unaware sings like they are Adele when in fact they're more in the region of Ke$ha. It. Kills. Me.
Now I'm not saying that confidence and a bitta balls aren't admirable traits, but over-confident people are incredibly hard to get on with, especially when they don't have the talent to back it up. I don't want to read your bad poetry, especially when you expect me to tell you how moving it was; I don't wanna watch you sing when you expect me to clap; I don't wanna tell you how 'awesome' and 'unique' your outfit is when you look totally normal. I once heard a great traceur (parkour practitioner) say 'Never tell people you're good, if you're good they'll tell you'. I think there are plenty of people who could benefit from this kind of thinking.

Monday 6 May 2013

Poem 1

Sometimes I get sad
I know everyone does
But I worry
I worry that sadness is not beautiful
I worry that I won't be lovely for you
with tears on my cheeks
and a weight
where my heart should be

The age of information

People like to think we live in an age of knowledge with all the technology at our fingertips and google to answer our every question. I think we live in an age of information but where knowledge is sorely lacking. There is no knowledge without experience. We cannot learn without context.
I got thinking about this because I've been having some problems in different aspects of my personal life, nothing big or scary just stuff I'm trying to figure out. Unlike my exams, the answers i need are not online or in my notes, I can't email my lecturer and ask for guidance on these, Even the internet cannot help me.
My concern is that we are so used to being able to instantaneously acquire information that we no longer acquire knowledge-if we forget it we can just google it again. I feel this is slowly making us ill equipped to deal with issues we encounter in our lives. Sure you can google 'How do I tell someone I like them' or 'How do I break up with someone' or 'Should I get back with my ex?'. You can askjeeves why your parents are always on your back or why your friends seem to have changed since they started at their new college. Let's be honest though-the internet is full of information, but not a lot of knowledge about you, your situation, your feelings or what you need to know. The information age cannot make up for the ancient technique of simply figuring things out for yourself, and i apply this not just to personal lives but to research, learning, curiosity; we have become lazy where we were once, as a race, ambitious. Luckily, there will always be things that technology cannot do for us so we must always endeavour to acquire knowledge ourselves, and not try to learn information.